So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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