What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
