I'm laying in your front yard are you home
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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