i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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