My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
