wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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