There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
