To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
