Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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