I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
