I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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