I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
