By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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