We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
