would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
