Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
