Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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