i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
