There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
