I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
