I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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