bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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