I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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