The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
