$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
