boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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