Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
