1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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