she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
