my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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