If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
