Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
