My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
