I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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