seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
