I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
