Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
