Umm I'm too high to move.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
