you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's blow job season.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
