I think i peed on brittanys purse
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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