I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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