funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
