Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
