We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
