I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
