One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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