I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
