my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
