Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
