You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.