I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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