I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
