Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
