i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
