I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
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I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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