I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
