I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
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It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
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Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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