After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
